A Christian and Hrs Grief i Thess. Yrt-te Och. Ul, 1904

My sermon today has as=5E= three sources,\ first--our scripture
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lesson this morning--a text that deals very realistically with

death, grief and comfort ; | second--the recentiself scrutiny our cutlure

has undergone in the general area of funeral ;practices. (the—tmevican
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hey of Death andthe tHiekh ost of Dysrin eontinue to be bestseblers,
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Mageetres—have—inetided _—Leatumearticles, Nat'l] BPuncyal Direotaors

n of ko rd ras) ot - -
very -mmeh—_invot vet in the-entire—dissute, 2 et
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hae—beena_—ratheresveful sxominstion of our leustom and traditisns
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I use as a source the simple fact that Grieflis a universal common

denominator. | There is no one here who has not experienced the
pale cic ee pe rind

pain of grief at some time or another .\ Neither isthere anyone here

today who will not experience grief again | Grief is a very real

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human emotion; it happens to us frequently, in varying degrees, and

it happens to us all--when someone very close to us dies.
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——s

The initial problem in addressing oneself to the particular
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subject is that it is by no means certain thalt everyone is willing

to accept the reality of erier.| Somewhere aliong the line our culture
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has equated grief with weakness; or with a shallow religious

wwerst- of all \

faith--or “With feminity.\ Somehow the notion has been fostered that

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if we believein God we should not enieve.| Orl--if I we're courageous

and strong we do not need to express our gier.\ Doctors, Psy. and

ministers realize the patent absurdity of this fiotions.| For grief is a

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t or not; just as human an emotion
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human emotion, whether we admi

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as fear, or lo

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‘here is very little we can do about
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having or not having our emotions; they are simply part of us,

Se

» or Joy.

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But

we can express them normally--or over-express them--or condition
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ourselves not to exoress them at all. \Neatean science has told us
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that the nealthiest cultures in the world are those that emit a tem-

perament of free and normal emotional expresspion.} Doctors have also told

us that we are resiting the God--given body and psyche we have when
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we refuse to allow aur emotions to express themselves in the naturl

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way. \eriee, as an emotion, cannot be eliminated, it can only be

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pushed aside--inevitably to express itself in another, less healthy

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manner. | Like anger, grief which is suppressed turns inward, often

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causing deep hostility--or in many cases, expressing itself in se2ew

physical symptoms. | And so with one stroke, let us rject these odd

ideas that faith and grief--or grief and strength do not mix and

accept grief as a very basic and important emotive experience that is

common to us all,
Psychology has observed that the emotion of grief operates like a
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erocess, with several stages. | Like any other bodily process, the stages

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of grief must be fulfilled, and if the arowdes stalls at any parti-

cular stage the result may be harmgut.| Since we do share grief

as a common experience it might be good to look briefly at its several

stages. | T am sure that you will recognize some , if not all, of these

stages as you have experienced them, and I ghink it is helpful to see

how they all fit together in a normal working out of the grief
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process. |

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The first stage of ona, when disaster or tragedy strikes, is shock.

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God has given us a natural anesthesia which operates with predictable

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physical symtoms || Wen overwhelming tragedy strikes we are numb; all ov«

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senses are dulled, we feel nothing. \ It is the shock stage that gives

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us a period of non-feeling in which to gather ourselves together--

and in turn brings us slowly back to reality.\ Shook may last a few

minutes, or a few hours or a few days--and there is nothing sinister or

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unhealthy about it unless it persists. The temporaray anesthesia of ©

shock prepares uf for the second stage--emotional release.

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This is when the Full weight of the tragedy comes craghing down

upon us. \ The flood gates open, and we become almost uncontrollable

in our expression of griet.| God has gsiven us tear glands--and this

is when we should use them.

at
when our tears nave spent themselves We. enter the dark valley of

d@spair, aloneness and isolation. | This. is the third stage | Tt is as

—_—

God is no longer in his heaven, and if he is it doesn't matter

very mush | 1 is normal to feel that no one’ has ever been so miserable.

Religious doukt is common during this atage--tand if this seems strange

to you remember the words of the Psalmist:(wWhy are you cast down,

Omy soul? I say to God my rock, why hast thou forgotten ne?” ) and our

bord nimseif, as he soprosched seath( my Goa, my God, why hast thou

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forsvken mo?" )

The fourtn stage involves the nhysical symptoms of gistress--
Stadio kina a

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oss of appetite, insommia, perhaps headaches and digestive difficulty.

here--and then we

Fe

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too is normal--unless our grief stops

could be in tor serious trouble ourselves.

Complete preoecupation with the loss is) the fitth stage of grief.

everything we see or do reminds of the one who used to be with us.

we don't hear cuestions that are addressed to us; it becomes
Giffieult to reason clearly.) Unless ws understand this as a normal

expression of grief there is grest danger here of being tnrown

back into despair.

Guilt is the sixth stage of grief ana one of the easiest to

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recognize. | In geome instances we may have good ressorn ta feel mualty;
saseeaei Leese

oh.

pernsos we did something at one time that put tne de eeeased; perhaps

we Lefts too much unéonue or unsaid. | Bul it is highly important
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fe gee that whether tnere is reason for our guilt or not, we will

experience it--hbeenuse if 1s part of eiet | This is 2 orucial stage,

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for miny oeonle so on toquring themselves BY: extending: natural guilt

into their Lives until it heeomes alle encompas ing.

stility ond resent come next in the grie? process And while
—_—_—_—_____— la tai oe inl

it may be uupleasunt tor those abaut. us; ut £8 a good slgn, for now we

are 90le to give expression to some at the strong teclines we have
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been holding back. | Gradually depression and despalr sre receding as

we begin Lo interset with other peoole, however negatively | We are
end

hostile to the dector because he operate d; or we're hostile to the

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; cs erty. 7 :
dp. beesus ne didn ! terelers-te , %e resant those who didn't come to the

Sete chee anna ed
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Funeral home--and wa resent those who did and stayed too long.| Dr's

Tanseal dlreetore, ministers, re lat ives~-anyone involved in the loss
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is the tarset of our nostility; and deep undernezth We find oc hostility
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turned toward a God who allowad the tragedy. toa oeeur in the first place.

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The aignth stage of gerier is the ingbility to return to a normal
reatine | We bry very hard to the ususl round of
igvavittes: \ rescon Yor this reeling
Ls thok we Opie vings--but our eglture rawness orn public
eAprpessions of grief.) 4nd so we turn down she urgings of our friends
_—_—oOoO — : —

to Se wsturn bo the 29 ra ¢lub or the oorfas eluten-~-rather than asuse

Chem cmbivysement.
_

Zs Pini esthage of erie? is 4 read justident to life and reality.
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things will never be the same ageing; we will never be the came | ravings

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gone tnmougn the orcesss of criaf we are different eople .| If we go

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through vais (waliey of the shadow of death), with the knowledge that

God Je with us, despite the doubt and natural nostility we have felt,

wo WI1L emorge with 1 dif'feeent quality 6f faith than we had before ‘\

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Will be more OF 4 orother to cur neighbor; | aore able to help him through

bie Will Te be stronger, deeper and bleger pe rsons Tor having

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experienced to tne fullest cone of life's moet uyetericus even

—
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Slmile» exPriences.

how the way I've deseribed it the grief process sounds Like un

quvamitit, machsanies

ic fulfiiled in 4 elven number

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oF gays. | voviously this La not the case .\ In fact, more often than

not, the process does not run its full coursé, but stalls in one Sta#e or

unother, | it is to fhis, and the reasons for;it, tnat I now want to

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direct your attention. \ whe villain is our cwlture--3nd weny of the

traditions and customs thut over the years have come to be the gecepnted

—,.

way Of seting in a death situation.

Let's begin with our national fettish about men weeping.| When

our Little boys fall off their tri eh. pick them up, brush them off wit
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Mm ah, ah, an - litils boys don't ery": add when our adolescents sustaiu

4 tragic blow such as « low grade, or being dropped from the football

squad, we admonish them to me men about it, dnd whatever they do, don't

exppess their enter | sna wen they become men, and someone very dear ta

them dles - they cannot ame weep.
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I mentioned cur inevitable equation of religious faith with a stiff

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upper lip berove.| I nave Sound this to be si very Vielous detriment tao

normal grief. \ tno ve yet to be in a funeralihome and not hear the words:

Crp wae God's will") directed to the mourners; — Inplying, of course,

thet since God's direct intervention caused (the death, there is no real

reason tl feel sorry . | In the first place weidon't reslly mean it when

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We SAy: (Its God's will: "/it is just one of the cliches that Meem at the

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moment to be appropriate.\ In the second place we canno@t~bel ie ve that
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life is good, a matthtestation of God's grace :and love, if we are not
3 : ars

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profoundly reluctant to give it up, ar to lase a loved one.| Thirdly, the

Bibles is full of illustrations of people who grieved openly and directly.

Jesus wept :\ when Peter denied @hrist he went out and wept: \ to turn aBain

to the Psalter, we near the words: ("my tears shave been my tood night

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As a whole our culture refuses to slhow grief its reality. Years uo
— et . —_ -

epPigving man wore black zrm bands, and women wore black dresses and veils

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and when peonle saw them they knew they vere grieving. | Today, however,
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we must not visibly express our eriet j| we ertticize those who do:] ans we

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Join 2 great conspiracy of silenee whenever we encounter someone who is,

or snould be, sieving | In conversation we do all in our power to talk

about anything but the deceased .| Any inane, trite subject will do, so

long 28 it prevents an emotional outburst, Ang all the while the griever

le erying out for help: for someone to tell him that they too miss the

decuased: ffir someone to share the pain for a moment ~ to help carry the

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burden.

Finally the ghief process is affected, for beter or for worse, by

the Funeral Director, and the Funeral itsalf

jon her book, The American

Way of Dect} Jessica Mitford delivers a violent broad side to the entire
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furieral industry from top to pottom. | And in most cases it was a well-
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deserved blow | what wae once a mateer handled: by Church and Home is now

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the stoce in trade of a gigantic industry . | Now, this is not to sny thal

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Q1l Puners 1 Directors sre Just business men in ataptse » more concerned

Wath profit than BET ryice | Ido not hesitate to defend our local establisn

ment and its proprdetor: but I have had other xperiences with other

eatablisnmente that warrant some very narsh criticism, votes, [oom fine funeral

Gireetors céem bent on eliminating grief entirely! emotional outbursts

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upaet tne dignity of ihe atmosphere, and so on. \ Jthers seem dedicated

highly the suggestion

to denying the Paci. of death \Bost resent very

that the funeral bexhsigesinxéhexchuxen is a @eorship service and cugnt to

ee ead dto2 Gx ereeaenes WC OM ELL es wo Trle Loeenings SiG loatrings of That

anureh, | ln any case the very necessary process of grief sli too frequent}

stalls in the funeral home, never combleteing, its eour se| Fer toc Pregueny
am est
me OMMPCh Sma 2zhricidiant are velesuted to a eeeondary , suoplemtary

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role.

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ihe Church's role in the grief situation Is to be a community of

faith: a refuge for those who ery put for 4 he 1p ing sare Instead of

jJoiming the conspiracy of silence the Church, through 1 individual

members, ought to be ready to share the burden, to be a friend and help

mate in a time of need.| Of all places the church ought to be the place

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where grief, in all its forms and variations,. can be freély expressed.

In the Shureh we ought to be able ta by-pass ell the customs and traditior

and get to the root of the matéer: that here is aneighbor who is in pain

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and sorrow ~ 9 neighbor whose immediate need is someone to share the

burden.

Finally, the churen ought to stand as a eomstant reminder that Goad

snares our grief: and that ne has provided 4a hove and assurgunee that

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Ultimately heals our mour ing. | The Psalmist knew this as he drew upon

the very powerful and fitfing metaphors of God's Rod and Stefi': the

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Strong tnd eternal nressnes of God tht comfort us even as we walk througn

ee ——___.

oO
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tne Lonely valley of death | God KNOWS GuUP Erle’: surcli: the lesrt of G

nevress Porth im weening as Jesus Christ died\' Just as curdeh. God pricves

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Whoa Ls ocilevron: Just ous eecly God is clos? to us when we v1

Pauli, very gently and warmly, speaks to us today, as ne did to the

early Thessalonians J ue spoke to tnem, that they ight grieve, but not as

those who have no ese oe, | then he directed them to the miracle of
or

God's love as it was ex ed in Jesus christ | anis » then, is our hone:

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this is the basic belief that undergirde our prisef:\ -That God so so loved

main that he guve his only begotten gon \ ic Believe in that love: we_see

it in life: we see it in a perfectly balariced world: we see it dramaticag®
et .

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avealed in human birth | we aglebrete and #ffirm that! love in the Sacramah

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of Baptism, ae we place upon little children the mark of God's Grace,
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In our history God has demonstrated his love drama tigally: we are Snead

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reminded of the extent of that Love eeatry tags our eyes fall upon its

symbol, the Cross of Jesus Christ. |

And so, let us grieve, freely and openly ./ Hearing the words of

St. Paul, let us grieve, but not as those who have no hope | For we

have hope, - in Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

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