Friendship

John 15:1-17 WA A

May 16, 1971
John M, Buchanan

[Prienashi, the more one thinks about it, is a rare and illusive relation~
ship. Most of us have two kinds of relationships with other adults: a marital
relationship with a husband or wife, and many peripheral relationships which
are better termed acquaintances, and not much in between. In fact, it is
apparent that within marriage itself, that most intimate of human relation-
ships, friendship is equally rare. Marriage counselors often identify the
root of a marital problem as the fact that a man and woman may have learned
to be lovers, but not friends: that the years have eroded that distinct kind
of relationship called friendship, and that in the middle of life there is
not much of anything left to keep the marriage going. x

In any case, friendship is rare and illusive. All of us, to be sure,
have a cirele of friends with whom we play bridge, enjoy evenings together,
people with whom we put in more time than with other people. I am suggest—
ing that in most cases this is not friendship, but acquaintance. We know
from experience that the deeper we get into it with other people, the more
tension the relationship will have to bear. Don Rickels was poking fun at
the late Will Rogers when he said, "I've never met a man I couldn't dislike,"
but he was also saying something profoundly true. For the moment we go .
beyond acquaintance to friendship, we begin to see another person's faults
as well as his appealing qualities. We see him as a person with weaknesses, ea

and idiocyncracies; we begin to see his pettiness and we discover more and

more things about him that we don't like. And for many people, it's eRey 2
easier not to get that far with anyone. “Good fences make good neighbors.™ ot
And "guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." There's a lot of .
practical, experienced wisdom in those famous observations, and yet there is 2
something sbout them that ought to make us uncomfortable, For what they are Ee

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really saying is that human friendship just may not be possidie. |

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the fraternity system on college
and university campuses. But about one thing I am sure. The system provides
an environment for friendship to develop. There is no way to live in a hous»
for several years with thirty or forty other individuals without learning
the fundamentals of friendship. For in that context it is impossible to keep
people at arm's length. I think that is way those of us who have experienced
it look back with fondness: in the same way that veterans look back on service
time. I think we sense that life doesn't provide much opportunity for real
friendship, and that most of our adult relationships are superficial at best,
and phony at worst.

Great thinkers of the past have seen in friendship a rare and beautiful
dimension to life. Cicero, Aristotle wrote movingly about friendship. And
Buddha, in phrases that sound strangely familiar, describes a true friend as
one who "guards you when you are off guard and does not forsake you in
trouble; he even lays down his life for your sake."

Christian people are called to friendship. There is no way tor ~. we
New Testament without sensing that the Christian life is uniquely differen!
at precisely this point. Christian people are part of a commmity that is
conspicuous, in the eyes of the world, for the way it exhibits love, and
understanding and forgiveness and openness and acceptance. It is impossible
to read the New Testament without seeing it. Yet it is nearly as impossible
to observe the contemporary church of Jesus Christ and notice it. There is
a vast discrepency between the standards of the Gospel and the realities of
church life at this point. And I, for one, believe that we will never really
understand what the church is all about until we deal with it.

The dimensions of the diserepency between what we say and what we do
could be documented by anyone, I am sure, who has spent much time working

in the inetitutional church. In his excellent book about life in a Japanese

=~

internment camp during World War II, Langdon Gilkey focuses on the problem
Space was at a premium in the camp, particularly in the sleeping quarters.
Nine, ten and eleven people were housed in rooms ten by eleven feet. Most
of them were Christian missionaries, Christian businessmen and wives, teachers
and British Government officials. It was impossible for this group to
arrive at an equitable and satisfactory allotment of space. "Good, educated,
enlightened people who could tell other s what Christianity was about, and
who were products of Christianity themselves, could not and did not imple-
ment that faith in living as a social group in an institutional arrangement. ;

"At one point the American Red Cross sent fifteen hundred se of
food to the camp. The Japanese in permitting the packages to be sent
suggested that one and a half parcels be given to every American prisoner
and that one parcel be given to all other prisoners. But the majority of
imericans wanted seven and a half parceds, which was their share #f none wer e
given to others. In both instances, as in most other problem times, the
character of the camp was such that the problems were solved only by recourse
to the power and authority of the Japanese captors." (Gilkey, Shantun~

Compound, Worley, Change in the Church: A Source of Hope, pp34-35)

Christian people often fail at just this critical point: when thoy A

are called on to put into practice the ideas of love that constitute the
essence of their religion. ind it is not confined to dramatic instances such
as a Japanese prison camp: it is rarely a case of laying down ones life.
Usually our failures happen in the undramatic ambiguity of every day living.

[om the night of his betrayal and arrest Jesus talked with his disciples
in very precise terms about their life in the world after he had left them, and pow

of what fe sai da Ae wih. - . |

Three_images omergo-from that discourse; :

» & new definition of, friendship| and obedient love

as the life-giving gourceof Christian life. .

pe a Ns “

‘The vine was a very familiar symbol to them. Everytime they entered
the Temple in Jerusalem they saw an image of the vine carved on the gates.
Jeremiah and Ezekial both described Israel as the vine, God's own vine Jesus,
himself, had used the image many times. Here, however, he was saying some—
thing new. He was the vine, and they, individual followers were the branches,
related organically to him, dependent on him for life- but equally related
to and dependent on cach other.

As individual branefies, with indiviai®a functions, dependent on the vine
and each other, he called them friends - and then almost immgdiately, as if
to veptiled toh 4 the fatal misunderstanding that if they were Jesus friends, they
needed no one else, he issued a new commandment: "Love each other". nd then
quickly, precisely: "There is no greater love than this, that a man should
lay down his life for his friends."

Therg. are two understandings that are important for us here: the new
difination of friendship and the implications for the life of the Church.
Let's go back again +b friendship. Let's admit that we are all a little
superficial in our relationships and see if we can't learn some thing.

| Fer Jesus, friendship coud be expressed by way of three qualities.
First, self=giving He called in laying down one's life, but you and I seldom
have the opportunity for that. And to play the safe game of, »speculating how
we would respond if that situation presented itself is irrelevant. The fact
is that we give of ourselg@s, or withhold self, in hundreds of ways every
day. But a friend gives - without Sorfaéing the cost, without calculating
what kind of benefits will accrue. A friend extends self into the life of
another, particularly when it would be easier and more convenient to re-
treat. | I attended a meeting once in which I took a verbal and emotional
beating. When it was over everyene fled- I think rather than having to
confront me personally. One person stayed behind and said simply; "I

thought you might want to talk a minute or two". That was friendship -

because it was self-giving.

(For Jesus, friendship was openness. Think how much he shared with them.
His love and affection; His knowledge of God, but @ven more importantly, His
anger, His doubts and agony. He took three of them with him into the garden
and made them witnesses to His agony and doubt and tears. Think-shet—that
means-to share with your-friends-your-deubt. Think how rarely it is that we
can be that open with each other.

I sense that when we really get honest with each other our natural re-
action is to retreat, change the subject, do anything to avoid a new level of
honee ty. I sense that in approaching honesty we cross the line between a}
acqugintance and friendship and most of us aren't sure we want to go that far.
But friendship is open, and accepts the other for what he is-not what he tries
to be. It encompasses and accepts the other as a human being, a particular
individual with particular needs, wants, faults and frailties. |

\ por Jesus, friendship was a matter of trust. Think how he must have
trusted .sthem. He gave himself for them; he shared everthing He knew and
felt with them; and he trusted that they would be able to carry the load
when he was gone. And the amazing thing is that they didi very little to
deserve His trust. Time and time they let Him down at crucial points. They
could not or would not understand who He was; when His arrest was near they
were arguing about who among them was the greatest. And even there —- a~
round the table of the Last Supper, one of them was preparing to betray Him.
Yet he trusted. And in a sense His trust was precisely what gave them the
strength when the test did come.

Well, you and t are inclined to come at it from the other direction,
aren't we. Trustworthiness mst preceed our trusting. With our children, _..
spouses, acquaintances the formmla is the same; Pres, Warne your trust—

worthiness, and then I will trust you." And it rarely works.

on

y= is here suggesting that friendship means taking the risk of
trust; taking the dni ti ative in trusting. Self-Giving, Openess and Trust—
add up to friendship. They add up also to that distinctive quality of love
that chacterizes the Christian 1ito] seen most clearly in the life of the
Church. '

At roast Tatts the model : that's the way things aught to | ind
I think the fact that for most people what I tave been saying about friend-
ship has absolutely nothing to do with their belonging to the Church is one
of the most damaging indictments that can be leveled against us. The fact $
is that it simply hasn't occurred to nay Church people that their belonging
means entering into a visible, organic fellowship of friends. That may be
what the books say, but the average person joining the Church just doesn't
see it as anything but adding his name to another list, not significantly
different from the list of PTA members.

ind that, I would say from some experience, is at the heart of whatever
problems the contemparary Church may be having. We have managed to cut
off the life-giving source of the Church-the love of Jesus Christ expressed
between people.

[Robert Raines comments: “We belong to Christ by belonging to each
other,.....iie have no choice in the matter. Some of our brothers we may
like; others we may dislike. But they belong to us, and we belong to them
in either case. Because we are involved with Him, we are involved with them.
And the reverse is also true: through them we move closett to Him.....we
might wish to avoid this horizons “belonging and cling only to Him, But
we cannot do so.lle belong to Christ only by belonging to each other." |

(Reshaping the Christian Life P17)

"Through them we move closer to Him". That's how important all of
this is. | You know,when it comes right down to it the "love of God in Jesus

Christ" is just an idea in the mind, just a theological hypothesis - until it

is felt, experienced and made personally real. In some circles that experience
is surrounded by great mystery and emoti@a: when it happens it is soul shat—
tering, and the question of whether or not it is an authentic experience is
always justified. In other circles the love of God is just a topic of
conversation, discussed a lot, but no more. Missing from both is this simple
little Now Testament reality that men experience the love of God as they learn

to love each other. The love of God in”

. Jesus Christ becomes incarnate in
the lives of people like you and me. The idea takes on flesh — the concept
becomes real — thehypothesis becomes experienced reality - when Ghete+terrt
people learn to love each other. |

We're hiding that from a world that needs it. It is all, in the final
analysis, that we have to offer ~ a new life of love. ind we are the vehicle,
the model, the community of those people whose love for each other is to be
demonstrated for the world to see. And in hiding it from the world we hide
it from each othor~and deprive each other of the saving knowledge that we are
loved of God.

That's what belonging to the Church is all sont Let it happen today-

through and in you. Amen |

Our Father, teach us to love as you have loved us. Teach us to be open and
trusting and sclf~giving, to each other, that the world may see and know your

love for all men. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen