EXTRAVAGANT FORGIVENESS John M. Buchanan
Matthew 1o:21-95 Broad Street Presbyterian Church
October 12, 1980 Columbus, Ohio

What is it about us that makes it so difficult for us to forgive? Why in the
world are we willing to invest so much of ourselves in anger, hostility and resentment?
Frederick Buechner, in a delightful litcle volume, Wishful Thinking, observes - only
partially with tongue in cheek, that of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the
most fun. And then he describes a dynamic all toc familiar to most of us..."To lick your
wounds, to smack your lips over grievances lung past, to roll over your tongue the
prespect of bitter confrontations yet to come, te savor to the last toothsome morsel both
the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back - in many ways it is a feast fit
for a king. The chief drawback is that what vou are wolfing down is yourself.” (p.2).

a Have you ever savored your anger, allowing resentment toward another person to feed
on itself until it grew larger and larger, and grew a life of its own totally unrelated
fo its initial reason? Or have you ever set limits for your children: "Do that one more
time and you're going to get it."...and then waited, with more than a little eagerness,
for the limit to be crossed again.

it was the late C.S Lewis, I believe, who observed that, contrary to appearances,
the most unpopular Christian virtue is not chastity, but forgiveness. He had in mind
the overheated patriotism of wartime when he wrote, "Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely{
idea, until they have something to forgive...And then, to mention the subject at all is to
be greeted with howls of anger." (Mere Christianity, p.89%.

There is a sense in which we do love our anger, or at least the right to be angry,
There is a sense in which we rather like the idea of forgiveness too but only in its most
abstract sense. As a life style; as a practical mode of relationship, we are inclined te
reject it out of hand as naive, unrealistic, perhaps even dangerous. All of which is ta
Say that our text this morning contains one of the more radical and important teachings
in the New Testament.

Tear Peter: How hard he tried! How like us he sounds! He recalled that Jesus had
said something about "forgive us as we forgive others." At the moment Jesus was talking
about how to respond when another person wrongs you. Peter thought the situation was
right to demonstrate his new, Christ-like, charity. "If my brother sins against me, Lord,
shall I forgive him seven times?" It was a generous, almost exaggerated gesture, actually.
The rabbis taught that the obligation to forgive another person extended through three
incidents. Peter was proposing, with the inspiration af Jesus, to expand it immensely.
But instead of congratulating Peter for his sensitivity and growth as a person, Jesus,
rather briusquely, brushed his proposal aside and indicated that, once again, Peter had
missed the point entirely. "Not seven times...but seventy times seven." That is, by the
way, an idiom for "indefinitely". The American Computer mentality concludes that Jesus
simply upped the ante, Instead of three or seven the limitations of forgiveness may now
be set at 490. That is a misunderstanding. Jesus was saying that there are no limits:
that if what we are talking about is forgiveness there can be no limits, restrictions

or conditions.

He told a parable: an important parable: a parable that doesn't get the attention
accorded to Thé Prodigal Son nor the Good Samaritan, but which is as important as either
of them, theologically and moraily.

A servant, said jesus, owed his King ten thousand talents. A talent was worth a
thousand dollars. Read $10,000,000, an overwhelming debt. Don't ask how it happened,

That's an American question. The point is that the man was in a lot of trouble. The king
prepared to exercise the only business-like option epen to him: sell the servant and

his family and hope to recoup at least a little of the loss. The servant, however, pled
for mercy, The servant got down on his knees and begged and said, "I'll repay everything."
That's supposed to be funny, by the way. Everyone knew the servant couldn't repay. He
owed 10,000 talents. His total life's earnings might amount to four talents. ‘The stunning
Miracle of the parable is that the king did it: he actually forgave the man, It was un-
likely, unheard of, radical. Now - the story takes on a kind of burlesque character, The
Same servant, given his life back. walks out of the palace, bumps into a friend who owes
him a hundred denarii - $20, that is; seizes him by the throat and demands repayment. When
his debtor asks for a little patience, the man throws the book at him. Others tell the
king: in anger he rescinds his decision, and throws the scoundrel into prison, End of story

Forgiveness, it seems, is rather complex. ft is not simply a unilateral dynamic
between someone who 1s wronged and the guilty party. [It appears, according to Jesus to be
bilateral, at least. That is to say, it doesn't work unilaterally. Forgiveness and being
forgiving are mich the same thing.

Forgiveness, whenever Jesus talks about it, seems almost to precede repentance. We
have trouble with that one, but I continue to believe that it is very near to the essence
of Christian Faith. Think about it for a minute. Episcopal theologian Reuel Howe teaches
that only the absolute assurance of acceptance allows us to be honest about ourselves with
others. We aren't about to reveal or acknowledge anything which might result in rejection,
ridicule or scorn. Quite to the contrary, we are willing to work rather hard presenting
a self, an image, which will receive acceptance, admiration, esteem, even if we have to
doctor up the picture a bit.

Coming at it from a slightly different direction, if you do not know that you are
forgiven your apology becomes little more than a negotiating, bargaining position. For-
giveness becomes the reward for repeating the proper incantation; namely, "I'm sorry",
Jesus taught that forgiveness belongs to the offended, not the offender. Whether it
eccurs is always the prerogative of the one who has been wronged. In a tantalizing way,
He suggested that true repentance - which is a necessary part of restoration - happens
after forgiveness, as a result of forgiveness, not before. ‘That is a radical suggestion.

We have trouble with it because it disallows ouxy anger. We don't have the lugury of
wallowing in our resentment, waiting Jn indienation until the offender asks our pardon. We
have"to sacrifice that good feeling when, out of our kindness, we condesecnd to accept the
apology of someone who has offended us. We have trouble because we don’t want to believe
it works as a practical strategy in human relations - even though revenge, punishment are
totally destructive and never work, if the intent is reconciliation.

Mainly, however, we have trouble with this idea because of the complex nature of
hugancguilc . Swiss physician and theologian Paul Tournier identified a dynamic in western
people that is helpful. We believe, devoutly, that everything must be paid for. Conse-
quently, we believe that forgiveness is too easy. Instead of accepting forgiveness most
of us make ourselves pay over and over again for real or imagined guilt. (See Guiit and
Grace, p. 174). We operate on this basis interpersonally, and theologically we look to
religion to reinforce the "everything - must - be - paid - for" syndrome. Religion thus
becomes the vehicle for paying off the debt which accompanies our guilt. Unfortunately
religion has frequently accommodated itself to this inability to be forgiven. Instead of
announcing good news, religion often begins with bad news. Instead of proclaiming God's
forgiveness the emphasis is on God's anger. Hell becomes the threat; the rites, rituals
and rules of religion, the way to avoid it. It is an old and powerful dynamic.

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Psychoanalysts in the Freudian school believe that "guilt is awakened in the infant's
mind by the fear of losing the love of parents; and also that all the traumas of mental
life are connected with the doubt about being loved.” Dr Tournier builds on that by
observing, "The anxiety of guilt is just this anxiety of being loved no longer. The
child has the impression that his parents’ love is conditional; that they will love him
enly on the condition that he is good...in every age men have projected this same idea
on God." ({tbid, p.189-190).

But what if we are accepted, loved, forgiven without condition? Then we are free,
literally free from the age-old anxiety of guilt. Our God loves us. Cuilt is a very
negative dynamic. [t turns inevitably to aggressiveness, hostility. In theological terms
guilt is the reason we cannot be forgiving. But if we are forgiven, all sorts of creative
possibilities open between others and ourselves.

If you saw the motion picture Kramer vs. Kramer you will never forget that poignant
scene when father and son, eating their first meal without wife and mother, in the midst
of almost total rejection and the guilt that inspires, begin to let that guilt express
itself in anger at each other. The issue is eating dimmer - and waiting for dessert. In
a way that is reminiscent of our text the son slowly begins to defy the father: the
father lays down the limits: the son keeps crossing the limits: the father keeps expanding
them. The anger and resentment mount until the boy defiantly leaves the table and helps
himself to ice cream. Near violence and separation follow: total, heartbreaking separa-
tion. Later that night the father enters the sleeping boy's room. The little boy has
not been sleeping deeply. They embrace. They forgive. New possibilities in their re-
lationship open, not because they have pardoned each other for a single mishap, but
because a new attitude, a whole new style, will characterize the relationship; acceptance -
forgiveness extended before the infraction happens,

Forgiveness has had a bad press recently. Ever since Eric Segal told us that love
means never having to say you're sorry we have been acting as if repentance and forgiveness
are repressive, weak and unhealthy. Self-assertion, self-confidence, taking care of my
own needs, doing my own thing, have become the vogue in romantic and marital relationships.
Trouble is, it doesn't work, JI was delighted to read in a Marriage Counseling Journal
recently an article which gave space to an idea I thought had been discarded; namely,
apology. The author wrote, "Learn to say 'I'm sorry’. Apologies can clear the air and
help people begin again. It is the opposite of being defensive and having to be right
all the time. If one can say 'I'm sorry’, it gives the other space to do the same."
(Marriage and Family Living, October 1980, New Hope for Troubled Marriages, Florence
Bienenfield),

in parenting, in marriage, in friendship and in everyday relationships the attitude
of forgiveness, the active acceptance of others can become a creative and rewarding part
of life. In fact, in many ways every day, people ask for the healing of acceptance and
forgiveness, Tournier used to emphasize, over and over, that physicians are commonly
called on to be priests to their patients; and that healing often was related to the
patient's freedom from guilt. So it is with attorneys, teachers, ministers, with anybody,
in fact, who is in contact with other people. Each day you and I have the opportunity to
convey the healing of God's love to other people - simply by accepting and forgiving then,
The opportunities are not necessarily dramatic ones. In fact, we become sidetracked by
debating the possibility of forgiving murderers, With his customary wit and insight
C.S.Lewis observed that when you wish to learn mathematics you begin with simple
arithmetic, not calculus. So, in forgiveness, he advised, begin with your spouse, or a
friend, or child, or parent, not the Gestapo.

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Forgiveness means that wrongs which we have done will no longer separate us
from the person we have wronged. In interpersonal relationships forgiveness happens
when the offended extends forgiveness to the offender: parent to child: husband to
wife: wife to husband: friend to friend, Forgiveness which is extended allows the
offender to be honest, to acknowledge the truth, to repent it. Of course, sometimes
it doesn't happen. Sometimes forgiveness extended is abused, exploited, or worse,
ignored. But, very simply, there is no other repentance than that prompted by
forgiveness, and there is no real forgiveness that depends on repentance, or anything
else, for that matter.

It is the good news. It is also the difficult news because we - who need it most,
have trouble accepting it. Yet there is no better news, anywhere. We are forgiven +
accepted by God, now, before we repent, before we do anything. His love comes first.

Jesus taught that nothing can stop God from loving and forgiving us. He also
taught that the goodness of God's forgiveness cannot touch us, until we begin to
forgive others. The two cannot be separated: they happen simultaneously, or not at ail.

This phenomenon, this new reality, this new state of affairs which exists, in
potentially between us, was not, by the way, without cost. This salvation was not easy.
Its symbol is a cross,

Amen.

God eternal, we ask grace and strength to forgive as You have forgiven us. Give
us faith, our Father, to accept and love ourselves; and to extend to those about us
that healing acceptance You extend to us, in Jesus Christ our Lord,

Amen.