CHICAGO PRESBYTERY MARINERS
TENTN ANNUAL DOCKING - MARCH 17, 1991
PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH OF NORWOOD PARK

LOVE: GIFT AND COMMITMENT

Thirty two years ago today I was 21 years
old, a senior in college - and I was doing
something which sounds very peculiar in the world
of 21 year-olds today... I was making last minute
plans for my wedding - which was to happen the next
week — March 21, - the first day of Spring - sort
of... J. S. Bach's birthday... and that year, the
day before Palm Sunday.

The woman I was going to marry was 20 years
old... We met in Junior High, dated one and off in
high school, and college... Knew at about 19 what
we wanted to do and at 21 we did it. We were
married through graduate school... began our
parenting at an early age... have five children and
two grandchildren - and are today part of what is

now a minoirty or soon be —- people still married to

the same person...

Garrison Keillor has a book by that title, by
the way - We Are Still Married - short stories -
and the concluding one, by that title, is about a
very difficult mid-life-crisis and how a patient
spouse - in this story, a man — waits until the
crisis passes, forgives, welcomes his wife back
home - and on they go... The point is if you are
stil] married, it hasn't been easy. Certainly not
without some very rough minutes.

And so - at the outset - a disclaimer some of
the finest, loveliest, and kindest, most devout and
faithful people I know have been divorced. It is
thin ice indeed to assume a posture of self-
righteousness about still being married. In fact,
part of me wants to say - we are ~ because of dumb
luck... or in moments of pure candor — because of
her (I'm not sure I could be married to me — in
fact, I'm certain I couldn't. I'd drive me crazy).

I used to think it was because divorce was

simply not an alternative for us and that mostly

unspoken determination was both a burden but a
liberation - so that we either overlooked or
forgave or decided to live with little problems
which could have become major problems — I'm not
sure about that any more.

And it occurs to me that maybe something of
grace - which is always a gift of God - gets into
the relationship, but I'm hesitant to say that
because as soon as you start to claim grace - it
disappears - and I'm not about to say God does
favors for me which are not then for others - it's
a theological _enisisting I can't abide...

But, in fact, we are still married - and so
are you -

Congratulations - you too are part of a
segment of American society which will be a
majority of the whole population.

How long - 20

30
40
50

60
There are lots of reasons and lots of people
analyzing them and I won't take a lot of time
telling you what you already know or can learn
elsewhere.

It is not easy. It never has been — but it
is less easy today than every before.

Part of it is that nothing is stable. The
only norm is change and the rate of change across
our culture is accelerating.

Communication - travel — Australia in 17
hours - used to take a year...

Wars were fought and won before anybody at
home knew about it... last month we watched it,
looked over pilot's shoulder.

New telephone technology... video screens -
jong part of science fiction/ soon available /
conference calls /fewer meetings, I objected -

Mare said - you can see your grandchiidren
when you talk to them - I said "sign me up." Wel]

— in terms of travel think of change in several

and mores and expectations - as they
impact marriage. It has always been difficult to
Know exactly how we're behaving sexually. In fact,
before Kinsey nobody seriously tried to discover.
Now we know — maybe more than we want to

Part of my own nostalgia and creeping fuddy-
duddyism - is that I simply don't want to know
everything about who's doing what to whom and under
what conditions. On more than one occasion, when
one of our youngsters in the name of integrity and
parent ~ teenager sharing and communicator was
about to tel] us something ______ we would say -
"You know ~ we happen not knowing what you are
about to tell us. Are you sure you want us to
communicate about this topic?”

Anyhow we do know some things we didn't know
before - such as - males are fully functioning
sexual beings at 16 - give or take a few years;
females ~ the same - and nature has built into that
woman the capacity for conception and everything

necessary for conception and will it fairly

ready for a pretty long time.

We now know that there are no rules strong
enough, no punishment severe enough to make this
truth about us go away.

We also know that if the culture, for one
reason or another, necessitates delaying marriage,
say for economic - or educational reasons - those
young people have a very major dilemma... which
they will probably solve...

Now if we do not change at all, if all we
have to say is “don't do it before marriage and
it's OK to do it as much as you want after
marriage, that is not terribly helpful. It may
make us feel better - as if - in saying it we have
done something about the level of public morality,
but we will not have accomplished anything - except
perhaps to shut off a communications link with
people who are struggling with the dillema... and
from the perspective of the church, demonstrated

again that we are irrelevant to the ambiguities of

life in the world. There is no evidence that
taking the hard line - has any measurable impact in
how people behave.

Now this is not a speech on sexual behavior
and faith - but this dimension of human
relationships is very critical at the moment -
because change has happened so very rapidly. I,
for one, want my church to say something more on
the topic than "don't." And while Presbyterians
May get very exercised at what they read in or
about our new study on Human Sexuality - and differ
profoundly with the recommendation arrived at by 10
members of the Task Force, I am pleased that our
church continues to know what the right questions
are and continues to have the conviction to ask
them...

There are major changes in sexual behavior
and public discourse about sexual behavior. But,
of course, the greatest change of all is simply
that "divorce has become a viable, no-fault,

option. We are living in an age of divorce.

In a new book, Englishman Lawrence Stone says
we are "a divorcing society..."

J. L. Milton, a Tong time ago, observed that
a marriage without love and respect is dead and
should be buried as quickly as possible. but it
has only been recently that society changed to
allow divorce to become the norm.

The 1990 statistical abstracts of the United
States reveal it - bluntly - if you are ever

of preachers and others are exaggerating

for effect.

Out of 1,000 Americans

9.7% will get married

4.8% will be divorced

That's half. It's an unadjusted figure — no
facotring in of geography, religion, ___. +t
will be higher for middle, upper middle class
urbanites. The simple truth is that among people
Tike us - more folk will get divorced this year
than wil] get married.

What in the world happened. Well, for one

thing divorce is no longer seen as the moral
failure it once was. And anyone who works ina
helping profession gives God thanks for that. It
was not good that in order to gain a divorce
someone had to be proven guilty of something. That
was inhuman. So we have a mixed situation. More
human laws: a better, less unrealistic social
climate - which we applaude - but also a much
higher divorce rate - which we abhore.

And part of the reason is economic. Divorce
used to be the privilege of rich which men. Women
rarely initiated divorce proceedings, the poor
never. The poor simply slugged it out - often
literally. The wealthy separated - or found other
ways to deal with the death of a marriage. The
poor continued being in the same house - turing
every day into a hellish confrontation between two
people who after a while loathed each other.

Stone reports that in 1857 in all of England,
there were 4 divorces.

In 1985 - 110,000

Today - more women file than men and working
Class people file four times as frequently as
professional people.

Well - if you object is health, fulfilled
people ~ you can feel good that it is not necessary
to remain in deadly relationshps.

But there are some unanticipated and very
distressing secondary effects -

The Chicago Iribune, 12/9/90, article cited
statistics: one out of 5 children under 18 has a
learning, behavioral, or developmental problem that
can be traced to the continuing disolution of the
two parent family.

It is not easy ta single parent... Single
parent families are a reality - we have to learn to
dal with and help - with accessible, affordable
child care, for instance. They wil] not go away —
but ‘increast

1 of 5 kids lives with 1 parent.

A child with a single mother is 20 times more

likely to be poor.

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In Cabrini Green - the fulfillment of social
policy, ignorance, unconcern and , a whole
city of poor mothers and their children and
unprecedented crime, violence, drug addiction,
illness. ..

Now let's not wring our hands on the one hand
- we know some of the reasons why minority families
break up more frequently. We know how to help...
we also Know that if we don't start doing something
this nation cannot and will not survive. People of
good will and compassion - can in fact - let the
government and the phone company hear — when
selfishness dictates public policy and our sick
obsession with no new taxes leads us to cancel a 15
cent surcharge on telephone bills so that poor
families can have access to the communications
system.

And let's cheer that among our own children
there is a new and strong and wonderful commitment
to marriage and family. Our kids wear us out with

their endless commitment to strengthening their

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relationship and loving their children. We've
never seen anything like it. We think the future
looks very good for a culture in which some people
care that much about the precious gifts of the
marriage and children.

What about us? mid-stream or more... sti1]
jn love in on most days, cetainly committed to
finishing the course...

Is there more than so_

are there vaith values and resources to help us on
our way? You bet there are.

Bronislaw Malinowski observed "marriage
presente one of the most difficult personal
problems in human life: the most emotional as well
as the most romantic of al7 human has to
be consolidated, into an ordinary working
relationship..."

A pap song suggests a miracle when we make
true lovers of frinds... but a much more arduous
task is the opposite ~ making friends out of

Tovers...

And the faith value which is a resource is
the supreme value of the human person; and the
ethic of responsibility which is built in it.

We are - each and all — created in God's
‘image... Our Genesis stories make the boldest
theological prepositions of all -

God creates human being - in two ways —

male — Adam
female - Eve
both together - God's image

There are a lot of bad jokes about Adam and
Eve...

But the beauty of their story is they look
and sound like us... they don't play rules: live
with limits.

Adam breaks rules, blames Eve and Eve blames
the snake.

They are pushed out of paradise, not so much
in punishment as in parental love, pushing its
Tittle ones out of the nest... And as they go, God

knits the garments and equips them for marriage,

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work, parenting - human nesting.

The word is - these are my image... in all of
creation - these are most precious, most valuable.

So at the heart of our faith is the value of
persons ~ their God given right to be free - to be
treated with dignity and respect; not simply this
body politic - but in relationships...

T. Rilke wrote:

“Love consiste in this

That two solitudes

each other

greet each other
respect each other."

In marriage, primarily and basically, the
faith value of individual dighity has behavioral
inplications.

In this most intimate arena, - respect — and
value - are absolutely supreme.

second =

The Gift of Relationship. We are not created

for life alone... We are not complete human beings

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by ourself — we need one another...

It's at the heart of the Old Testament

Covenantal theology

God creates a people

Either have more to do with people
relationships (justice) than divine/human
relationships (0)

Christians are people who put a very high
value on relationships.

Madeline L'Engle, Episcopalian lay woman,
children's books, theological reflective, much of
it growing out of her marriage to Hugh Franklin -
actor

He died recently ~ and she wrote Two-Part
Invention, the story of a marraige - wonderful
book .

"We were not like the great lovers in
history... For one thing, the ghreat lovers do not
get married and stay married for forty years. A
love which depends solely on romance, in this

of two attracting , tends to

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fizzle out. The famous lovers end up dead. A
long-term marriage has to move beyond chemistry to
compatibility. it is certainly not that the
passion disappears, but that it is conjoined with
other ways of love." {p. 76]

Relationships are precious: they deserve
attention - commitment - determination — and
sometimes investment.

~time, for instance. I often urge young
couples to do whatever is necessary to be along -
together - for a weekend - a night — a month

sometimes it's little things - an unexpected
rose bud, telephone call, a card... a kiss

~sometimes it's walking hand in hand to a
counselor.

Robert Fulgrum - popular author: All 1
Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten and It Was
on Fire When I Lay Down on It.

‘Getting married for lust or money or social
or even love is usually trouble. The point is that

marriage is a maze into which we wander, a maze

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that is best got through with a great compansion."

he tells a story about a village in the south
of France where the Feast Day of St. John is
celebrated with great festivity al] day long -
concluding with a bonfire and folk dancing evening.
In the middle of the morning, couples - married -
lovers ~ engaged ~ state their intent to remain
together forever, hold hands and jump through the
fire.”

It takes a little of that - friendship -
companionship - respect - dependability/

Finally and most important, faith resource
our secret - love is a verb - not a noun, not
primarily something you feel - but something you
do.

Fulghrum

‘ “The warranty in the wedding license is only
good for 24 hours.”

The decision to be married is not made once -
but daily... often when you aren't feel lovey or

Jovely

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Couples often ask for I Corinthians 13 J.B.
Phillips -

"This love of which I speak is slow to lose
patience—it looks for a way of being constructive.
It is not possessive: it is neither anxious to
impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its
own importance.

“Love has good manners and does not pursue
selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not
compile statistics of evil or gloat over the
wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is
glad with all good men when Truth prevails.

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end
to its trust, no fading of its hope: it can
outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing
that still stands when all else has fallen."

Paul - love is a verb - almost a discipline
wWrich works in relationships.

Love doesn't waith to feel loving.

In theological terms - love is grace — love

not dependent on merit or bellowed, love that takes

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the

-Lave - is acceptance
-actual acceptance - forgiveness
—doesn't waith for apology
——worst line in history - "love means never having
to say you're sorry."
Opposite is the case.

In fact the love God has for world
“which we see in Christ

gracious, fogiving, self-sacrificing

is precisely the love to which we are called
in marriage,

And when we give it —- a miracle happens -
more is given to us.

“and we find that there are days when we
stand in awe before the miracle of our own love.

Professor Joseph Sittler, brilliant
theologian - a mentor - was deeply devoted to his
wife...

In a book - Grace Notes this wonderful

on marriage - Love, Gift — Commitment

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